The Struggle of the Blank Page
A week goes by so fast. I’ve been writing this column since May, and the end is finally in sight. Honestly, I’ve completely forgotten what I’ve even talked about up to this point. For the past few months, no matter what I sit down to write, I end up thinking, “Wait, didn’t I already talk about this?” So, for this week… what on earth should I even talk about?
You know, I always really, truly wanted to do work that involved writing. I just love it. Going all the way back to elementary school with book reports and essays, once I started writing, I couldn’t stop. I’d write so much I’d think, “Am I going to run out of paper?” I felt like I could just write forever. A few years ago, I wrote a script that was about 100 minutes long and actually had two of my plays performed on stage. The physical act of writing was never a chore for me.
So why am I struggling so much with it right now? (Lately, I’ve been writing these late at night on the actual day of the deadline.)
Maybe it’s because I’m second-guessing every single word. I worry that one word might hurt someone or make someone feel uncomfortable. We live in an era where you have to layer consideration on top of consideration. When I get into a groove, my wording can get a little rough and casual, but then I catch myself: “Ah, I can’t say that,” and I fix it. Then I start overthinking—”Wait, is this entire premise a bad idea?”—and I scrap the whole thing to start from a blank page.
I end up bouncing back and forth, agonizing over things that probably don’t even matter 80% of the time. And just when I finally think, “It’s finished!” the next week has already rolled around.
Gratitude and Personal Growth
Time really has just flown by in the blink of an eye. But still, I am genuinely so happy that I get to write as part of my job like this. I have nothing but gratitude for everyone who hasn’t gotten sick of me and keeps reading. Thank you, thank you.
My dad says this all the time: “Gratitude for everything. Thank you, thank you.” Whenever I bring friends over to my parents’ house, he even preaches it to them. My mom and I just exchange a look that says, Here he goes again, and pretend not to listen. Sorry, Dad.
But honestly, he was never the type to just say things like that straight out. It started maybe 10 years ago? He just suddenly started repeating, “Gratitude and respect,” out of nowhere. When he first started saying it, it was honestly kind of scary (laughs). But now that time has passed, I’ve realized his whole personality has shifted. He’s become a much calmer person overall. Maybe back then, he started saying it out loud to forcefully convince himself to change. I don’t know for sure, though, and I’m not going to ask him.
Looking at it in that positive light, it made me realize that people really can change, regardless of their age.
The Value of Making Mistakes
But normally, you don’t really sit around thinking about what’s wrong with you or what you need to fix about yourself, do you? Wait… do people actually do that? I’m basically the type who only realizes, “Ah, that was my bad,” after I’ve already massively messed up. I guess that right there is my bad trait.
Well, I suppose you only notice these things when you make mistakes, so the important thing is to make a lot of them. And it’s important to have friends who will actually tell you, “Hey, you’re messing up!” Ultimately, I want to become a version of myself that I can be satisfied with. I want to stay flexible, listen to others’ opinions, and be willing to change at any time.
I heard something recently: “A senior who can fail in front of their juniors is amazing. So go ahead and make lots of mistakes.” Normally, you’d resist doing that, right? But it’s true, someone who can do that is genuinely cool. Actually, I think the person who told me that is super cool for even saying it in the first place.
Full Circle
Ah, I just remembered something. You know those scripts I mentioned writing earlier? In one of them, I wrote a line for a character who had experienced failure:
“Today is the youngest you will ever be for the rest of your life.”
Come to think of it… I guess I’m thinking the exact same thing now as I was back then. Hmmm… I guess people don’t change that easily after all (laughs). Wait, does this mean this entire column just turned into a story about how awesome my dad is?!
Next time is the final installment! Wait, seriously, what do I do? The folks at ShuPro told me, “Next week is the emotional grand finale, huh?” They’re putting the pressure on, which is just making me stress over it even more!
See you next time.
Translator’s Notes
- Darkness Revolution: Misa Matsui’s current faction in Marigold. The stable’s edgy, darker theme perfectly complements her “Yami-Kawaii” wrestling persona.
- #MatsuiKawaii: Matsui’s official hashtag and catchphrase. She regularly incorporates it into her promos and social media.
- Yami-Kawaii (闇カワイイ): Translated literally as “Dark-Cute” or “Sick-Cute.” It is a specific Japanese aesthetic and fashion subculture that blends traditional cute (kawaii) elements with morbid, dark, or psychological themes. This aesthetic is a core part of Misa’s wrestling persona.
- Theater Background: Matsui mentions writing 100-minute scripts and putting on plays. Before transitioning full-time into professional wrestling, Matsui was a stage actress and playwright. She originally entered the wrestling industry through Actwres girl’Z (AWG), a promotion that heavily blended theater acting with professional wrestling.
- ShuPro (週プロ): The ubiquitous, everyday abbreviation used by wrestlers and fans for Weekly Pro Wrestling (Shukan Puroresu) magazine.
- “Today is the youngest you will ever be for the rest of your life”: This is a very popular motivational proverb in Japan, often used to encourage people not to let their age stop them from trying new things or bouncing back from failure.